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dove orchidI was 18 and my boyfriend was 22. I had just started my studies at the Faculty of Letters when I found out I was pregnant. I thought, it’s OK, we are going to get married and have a baby!

My partner, however, told me that I had to get rid of ‘that‘. I was distressed. I thought that an ultrasound would make him change his mind but he really wanted an abortion. I didn’t turn to my parents because I knew that my father would throw me out of the house.

I naïvely thought that the Family Planning office was helping young couples faced with a surprise pregnancy. I took my boyfriend there thinking that a counselor would make him see that marriage was best for us. They were there to help… Why else would they call themselves “Family Planning”? I was in for a shock. All we got was a list of abortionists and cheap condoms. A broken condom is how I became pregnant and I started to see a pattern: cheap failing birth control, then abortion and start again with cheap birth control.

The noose was tightening around me. Under pressure, I took the abortion pill. I knew that an innocent life (that I already loved!) would be ended but I didn’t suspect how destructive abortion would be. I didn’t know that I would never be the same.

Months later, my (ex-)boyfriend said that he regretted it; that we should have a daughter but we had killed her. I can’t put into words how much I hated him, how much I hated myself and how much I hated the “abortion-fix it all” culture in that moment. I don’t know how I managed not to throw myself out the window that day.

Years passed… I had another abortion out of fear of an abusive partner. I lived with anger, self-hatred, and grief that they say doesn’t exist because “the foetus isn’t a person“. Panic attacks, anxiety and suicidal thoughts were my companions. I became a believer in Women’s Rights so I could justify my abortions and survive.

Eventually, I have learned to forgive myself and all involved and I found peace. We, who have “chosen”, are survivors of an evil that is unnecessary and avoidable.

If you are pregnant, you don’t have to have an abortion to please or protect somebody. There are pregnancy resource centers that can help you. If anybody is threatening to use force against you, please call the police.

If you already took the first dose of the abortion pill and changed your mind, it’s possible to reverse it.

If you have lost a child to abortion, know that help is available.

I’m hoping that this ordinary story can help someone to remain whole. Few things in this world are worse than abortion.