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window winterIt’s Christmas time again. I’m peering through the frosted window of the past where a 25 year old woman is about to have an abortion.

The father was a 51 year old alcoholic and I was feeling trapped. My first abortion at age 18, was traumatic and I didn’t want to have another one.

But that wasn’t a man I wanted to have children with and I hated myself for being trapped in that situation. Maybe, by not giving life to my son, I would save him from an abusive father. In my desperation, I bought into the lie that sometimes, children are better off dead than alive.

So, four days before Christmas eve 2000, I lay on the altar of the “necessary evil” and I left a[nother] piece of my soul there. Ensued years of depression, self-hatred, fear of motherhood and wanting to die.

Having an abortion is not all rainbows and butterflies, as those who make money off of if, want us to believe. Having an abortion is standing day after day, paralyzed, in front of a wall, thinking: “I did this to myself. I did this to my child. There’s  no way I can go back and undo it.”

Truth is, abortion is not a magic wand that modifies past events like saying “yes” to the wrong guy or getting pregnant. It doesn’t make us wiser or immune to abusive relationships either. It’s help we need; it’s healing we need and abortion can’t bring us either.

But abortion destroys and scars. Often, we become pro-abortion crusaders so we don’t have to deal with our wounds.

Abortion doesn’t bring us love. It can’t buy us respect. It can’t change an abusive man into a guy who treats us right.

Women have nothing to gain with abortion. Our children are not better off dead and mothers are not better off with dead children. While I can forgive myself and all involved; I will never forget. I also want to prevent this tragedy from happening to you or a loved one.

Here I am, looking through my abortion window. I want you to know that it’s not worth it. I want you to know that if you are in a tough situation, help [that doesn’t involve terminating a life] is available.

Abortion doesn’t build women up; it breaks them. We need more love in this world; not more brokenness.