Today is August 3rd and it’s the anniversary of my second baby’s due date. I loved my son but at some point I decided that my circumstances were more important than his life. I will never know how accurate the due date was but I will associate it forever with my lost son.
A week after the abortion, I was sitting in a restaurant in an underground Mall. I didn’t really know where I was, I was just sitting there crying. A stranger came to me and said something to comfort me but I couldn’t hear him. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t do anything but cry. I was in shock. One minute I was carrying life and then there was nothing but blood. “What have I done?” But it was too late.
Seven years of depression later, I was married and pregnant. A woman asked:
“Is it a boy or a girl?”
“I don’t know, we are not finding out”.
“What does your heart tell you?”
Choking on tears, I remained silent and tried to look normal. Her question had a complicated answer. Nothing, my heart was telling me nothing but “What have I done? I can’t be a mother after what I’ve done.”
Today I let those memories out of my Pandora’s box because twelve years after this abortion (and nineteen years after the first one), it’s not going away. There are dates and places that trigger memories and symptoms.
I want other women to know that abortion doesn’t free us from our children’s life but it chains us to their death. We condemn ourselves to an event we will never forget, and many women feel they can’t forgive themselves.
A Florida abortionist tells his customers on his website: “Emotional reactions to surgery are common. Mild depression associated with low hormone levels and a feeling of loss is usually brief. The emotionally healthy individual will generally rationalize the situation as they do with other life stresses and quickly put their experience in perspective.”
If abortion is so good for us, why do we have to rationalize it? Why imply that women who suffer for years after an abortion must be crazy? What stressful events is he referring to? Sexual assault? Domestic abuse?
I will leave the abortionist’s marketing strategy alone for now and reassure my readers: I’m not beating myself up but women deserve to know what post-abortion life is like.
I love my children, all six of them and I want to honor Gabriel. My child, your death was easy to obtain and a choice that everybody supported. (I wish motherhood had as much support). But the consequences were devastating beyond anything I had imagined. You would be twelve years old today but I took your life and I was wrong. I’m sorry and you and your sister live in my heart.
A couple of years ago, I chose to embrace the crosses of my past. Some say I’m weak and stupid because I stopped rationalizing my abortions. But I can’t lie to myself anymore and no woman deserves to go through such an ordeal.
Maybe one day pro-choicers will realize that Alice Paul was right: “abortion is the ultimate exploitation of women” and understand better why many of us are anti-abortion feminists.
I’m going to close the lid of my Pandora’s box now and thankfully a little bit of hope was trapped at the bottom. I can’t explain rationally what made me think that killing my son was normal and that I was going to be OK. One thing I’ve learned is that healing is possible and I invite you to to read about my (ongoing) journey from darkness to light.
Photo: Wikimedia Commons