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This is the sequel to Marriage Confusion https://400wordsforwomen.com/2012/04/26/marriage-confusion/

One year after our wedding, I began to attend a Women’s Bible Study and get closer to God. Through reading and praying, my fear of pregnancy vanished. I started to chart my fertile days to prepare to conceive. In September I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to share the good news with the Bible Study Group but something happened on that day.

In the past, a woman had shared a personal story and started to cry. I was sitting next to her and I turned away from her. I was incapable of hugging and consoling her. Though I felt empathy, I had been playing the tough, independent woman for so long that I couldn’t do anything for her.

On the day I wanted to announce the pregnancy, we were discussing what sins we cannot forgive and to whom. Women shared about sisters or friends, gossip and rivalry… I was puzzled and I timidly raised my hand: “Well, I don’t think I understood the question correctly. I put: I think I can forgive anything to anybody but I can’t forgive myself for my two abortions”. Did I really say that?

Suddenly, I was submerged by a sea of women hugging, crying, patting my back and handing out handkerchiefs. What were they doing? Was I supposed to cry? Will they think I’m heartless if I don’t? I was confused and to my surprise I cried. This was not the day to announce my pregnancy but the Holy Spirit was working in my heart. One of the women sent me a letter with resources but dialing one single phone number to seek help was an enormous step.

During 9 months, I beat myself up about my abortions every day. Eventually I took an antidepressant and found the strength to dial the counselor’s phone number, a few weeks before the delivery. The counseling sessions truly changed my life and 9 months of intense psychological labor were coming to a close.

When Anthony was born, it all made sense: the marriage, with the father who protects and the mother who nurtures, I realized how selfish I had been and how little I knew about giving. Five years and two more babies later, I am still learning. I can’t comprehend why God loves me so much, with all my failures, but I can see His smile shining in my children’s eyes.