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When I was an Atheist, my role models were Nietzsche, Charles Baudelaire and Jean-Paul Sartre. I had a Che Guevara T-shirt. All I knew about him is that he was associated with a revolution and he was cute. I had discovered pornography at a young age and as an adult, Lolita was one of my favorite books.

I had a strange relationship with my family. I would always come back to receive more “affection” from the people who hurt me the most. I was taught that life is tough, people don’t change and we get used to everything.

An anorexic teenager, I had zero self-confidence but I needed to shine with colored hair, glittery make up and skin tight outfits. Sex was the coveted reward for attractive appearances.

The man I despised the most in the world was Pope John Paul II. He was taking advantage of the feeble minded and represented the archaic, patriarchal, corrupted church. I hated him for his stance on contraception and abortion. How hypocritical he was to express an opinion on things that don’t concern him while they were crucial for others. Had I not had contraception and abortion, I wouldn’t have had a sex life. And not having a sex life meant not having a life at all.

My motto was: “don’t judge others because you don’t know what they have been through.” Tolerance included forcing others to accept whatever bizarre behavior I had. And I was tolerant of others as long as they did not infringe on my territory.

Anger, pride, and rebellion were the signs of a good character. Science could explain everything, except for a few scary people talking to the dead or seeing lights in a tunnel.

When asked: are you scared of death? I would answer: I’m not but I’m scared of suffering. It was more important to give a courageous answer than an honest one.

I didn’t believe in Heaven, Hell nor in reincarnation and death puzzled me. I was exploring new theories about life and death but I was never sure of anything. Life had no meaning unless you sized the pleasure of the moment. Yet the moment never lasted. I was thinking; there must be more to life than this.

Atheism means different things to different people. I was a “spiritual, truth seeking Atheist”. And to my surprise, it is God who found me eventually.

Next: Then I met The Man https://400wordsforwomen.com/2012/04/26/then-i-met-the-man/