Before my teenage pregnancy, I was never in favor of abortion. Bowing to my boyfriend’s decision to abort our baby and his late remorse caused me to build an emotional wall. After I let abortion enter my life, there were two persons in me: the “pro-choice” feminist and the broken-hearted girl.
The former was trying hard to convince herself that she did the right thing and that abortion is a matter of women’s rights. Getting rid of a clump of parasite cells was merely part of life. Glowing with lipgloss, sexy outfits and engaged in “no string attached” relationships, she was clinging to her anti-motherhood privileges. The latter, retired in her shell, was afraid to give her trust and love and was grieving her baby.
To be able to survive, I was denying my baby’s humanity, the violence of abortion and my maternal instinct. But I was also wounded and horrified by the drama I had been both a victim and an actor of.
Once in a movie, I saw a caricature of angry anti-abortion people. They were shoving a tiny plastic figure in a pregnant girl’s face saying: “this is your baby”. The liberal feminist in me was outraged and the broken-hearted girl was feeling judged.
After my second abortion, I lost interest in my sexual conquests. The despair had become stronger than the Parisian romance lifestyle. The deep cut in my heart made it harder and harder to rationalize the evil of my actions.
One day, I noticed a “Pray to end abortion” bumper sticker on my fiancé’s mother’s car. His sister had participated in a “March for Life” in Washington DC. These events made me feel dirty, a little outraged and mostly confused. I have since started to walk the road to recovery.
I’ve heard “pro-choice” sisters say many times about an abortion memory: “You don’t want to go there”. There is exactly where the anti-abortion folks want to go, trying to open the door we slammed after we sold our souls to abortion. They make us feel uncomfortable because they remind us of one of our darkest deeds. We are hurt not because of their actions but because of ours. We want freedom but we cling to our chains. As long as we keep the door shut, freedom will escape us. The wound of abortion needs to be revealed in the light to be healed.